How can you find your “why”?
Many leaders I coach are struggling with their “why.” In their burnout, they’re contending with one of what psychiatrist Irvin Yalom sees as our four basic fears: meaninglessness.
I know this struggle, too. I had to leave academia abruptly in 2021, when my department forced me to choose between my young boys (my oldest had just turned four and my youngest was only six months old) and a job I both loved and was incredibly good at.
Being forced into the wilderness so abruptly—my exit interview lasted less than three minutes—was profoundly difficult.
I’d lost my sense of purpose. I felt directionless. My inner compass felt frozen. Even as I was able to find work, I spent an awful lot of time on extra long runs, sunk deep into a podcast and my thoughts.
But that’s just one way you can lose your sense of meaning:
You can wake up one day and find that the role you’ve played for years no longer fits.
Or that you tried to follow your dreams and failed.
Or that stress has worn your sense of purpose away.
Or that the world has changed without your knowing it.
Or that you simply want something else.
But as I found, and as Yalom observes, losing your sense of purpose and meaning can be really destabilizing. We retreat from life, become spectators to it.
So how do you meet this fear? Yalom suggests that the answer is simple. We have to start doing things, moving slowly and starting small. Ask yourself:
What interests you right now? Do it.
What brings you comfort? Do it, too.
What can you give to others? Give it.
What do you need to receive from others? Take it.
What challenges do you need to face now? Embrace them.
What challenges do you need to let go of now? Release them.
Moving from being a spectator to being an actor is a slow process of learning and growth. In the process, we can look for new sparks to emerge we can use to relight our fire.
Are you looking for sparks?
Today is Thanksgiving in the United States. Traveling, cooking, hosting, and navigating the conflicts around the table are so stressful. We’re trying so hard. What if we followed therapist Aundi Kolber’s advice and tried softer?
Sure, there’s lots to do today. We need to get those things done. But even if it may not seem that way right now, we always have the power to choose how we do them.
Try this. Take a minute and read through the following questions, which are based on questions in Kolber’s book “Strong Like Water.” As you do, pay attention to what you notice in your mind and body.
Out of all the things I have to do, which do I most want to savor?
What if I take things slowly today?
How can I speak to myself kindly today?
How can I do this gently?
Who can help me with all I have to do? How do I need them to help me?
What if I broke this into smaller steps, instead of trying to do it all at once?
How can I notice when I’m feeling overwhelmed? How can I calm myself when I do?
Where do I need to be kind to myself right now?
How can I treat my body with care and respect?
Pick one that not only feels doable to you but also pulls you immediately from feeling like you're in the “red“ or “yellow“ zones—that is, feeling overwhelmed or ready to jump out of your skin—into feeling “green“ and good to go.
Now, write that question down and put it where you can see it. Over the course of today, think about your question and look for ways to lean into it.
How does that question change how you’re supporting yourself?
What new things do you notice?
What might you be able to do better?
If you have time, put what you learn in the comments.
Trying softer today can change how you lead yourself throughout the coming weeks, no matter what you’re celebrating. And it can change how you lead yourself every day of the year.
What to learn more about how coaching can help you? Book your free Discovery Session here.
