Healing resentment
Regret and resentment come from the same place but lead us in different directions and require different responses.
When I regret something—whether it’s eating that extra slice of pizza, my chosen profession, or a hurtful word to someone I care about—I’m recognizing that my decision in the past has created a present I don’t want. When that happens, I need to grieve, and depending on what I’m regretting, my grief can be deep. I may also need to take responsibility and make amends for what I did.
Resentment is different. Like regret, resentment also involves a decision I made in the past that has come to haunt me today. But unlike regret, I become resentful when I come to believe—rightly or wrongly—that I didn’t have the power to choose differently.
When I’m struggling with resentment, I feel like a victim of life. And that feeling of victimization, left unaddressed, can lead to three things:
Cynicism, in which I feel life is rigged against me.
Self-contempt, in which I turn my frustration inward in a fit of self-hatred and blame.
Violence, in which I “act out” my self-contempt against others or “act in” against myself.
When we join others who feel as wronged by life as we do, our cynicism, self-contempt, and violence can form the basis of a social movement based on grievance and vengeance.
A quick look at the evening news shows how that turns out.
Healing resentment, like healing regret, requires grief, responsibility, and perhaps making amends. However, healing resentment requires something deeper. I need to reaffirm my power to choose:
Instead of cynicism, I can choose to believe there are some things in life still worth savoring.
Instead of self-contempt, I can choose to be compassionate toward myself, especially my younger self who didn’t have the options I have now.
Instead of violence, I can choose to work to give myself and others the freedom to choose differently.
If I can make these three choices, I can work toward healing myself and our world.
Where might your choices lead?
