How do I coach?

When people are exploring whether coaching is right for them, they have many great questions. In previous posts, I’ve discussed how coaching has helped me and what I think is most powerful about it. In this post, I want to answer common questions clients have asked me.

How can you help me?

My approach to coaching is centered on you. Many people think that coaching is about giving advice and fixing others. Ultimately, you're the authority on your life and challenges, and since I'm not you, most of the advice that I would give you wouldn't fit. And while you might be feeling a need to grow in some ways, I don’t think you need fixing. So I don't see myself as someone who is there to tell you what to do. Instead, I help by asking questions that help you think and process, discover new strengths, set goals, and find ways to keep yourself accountable.

How do coaching sessions work?

We'll typically start with a check in to see what's been going on and the progress you've been making. Based on that, you'll set a topic that will set the agenda. This topic can be anything that you want, but your needs and interests will drive the conversation. Then, we'll take time to think through the topic together. Finally, we'll spend time assessing what you've been learning, making commitments that will help you make incremental progress toward your goals, and thinking through whatever obstacles (internal or external) that might get in the way of what you want to do.

What’s your coaching style?

My approach is more on the side of Mister Rogers than a drill sergeant. If you don't come in with a set topic, haven't had time to meet your commitments in the way you wanted, or anything else, that's completely fine. We start from wherever you are.

What do you want me to take away from our sessions?

I want you to feel heard and confident in your capacity to grow.

Have you worked with people in my field before?

I have a strong background in higher education and nonprofit leadership, as well as a doctorate in communication. I’ve worked with both men and women in a variety of sectors, including technology, entertainment, pharmaceuticals, financial services, manufacturing, insurance, telecommunications, and energy. And my clients have included nonprofit executive directors, fundraising executives, activists, university professors, engineers, computer scientists, risk analysts, designers, finance and accounting managers, marketing and sales managers, and customer service professionals. 

This background gives me some basic coordinates to understand where clients are coming from. But at the end of the day, that background knowledge doesn’t matter all that much. What matters most is connecting with people, not their individual problems. And when we start connecting to what drives us, the differences in industry, education, and expertise fade away.

And in many cases, having extensive knowledge in your field can actually make coaching less effective, not more. That’s because the more I know about your work, the more I might be tempted to “fix” you. And fixing you isn’t what coaching is about.

What makes coaching different from mentoring or consulting?

Coaching can seem similar to mentoring and counseling, but it differs in one fundamental way: Mentoring and consulting focus on giving the right answers, while coaching focuses on asking the right questions. If I’m mentoring someone, I’m trying to get them to a place where I’ve already been. And if I’m consulting, I’m giving people strategic advice based on what I already know.

Both mentoring and consulting are great, but they both assume my answers fit the questions you’re asking. If those answers don’t fit—if you don’t want to be another version of me, for instance, or if we’re in a situation where no one knows what to do—then mentoring and consulting won’t help that much. That’s why thinking through questions matters.

So I say: Mentoring gets you to a place where I’ve already been. Coaching helps you get to a place where no one has ever been. 

And: Consulting helps you find your way on a map I’ve learned by heart. Coaching teaches you how to draw your own map.

How does coaching differ from psychotherapy?

Because coaching helps clients explore challenging issues, it can often seem or even feel like psychotherapy. But coaching is different on a number of levels, and the ICF takes care to differentiate between the two. Psychotherapy is beautiful, and therapy and coaching can complement each other in powerful ways. I’m always happy to hear when clients are also receiving therapy, and clients and I have often discussed adding therapy to the work we are doing together.

In the future, I will be talking more about these differences. I see these differences in terms of my role, the clients I work with, and the focus of our work. As a coach, my role is to support, not diagnose or treat. For that reason, my clients are at a place where they are ready and able to move forward with their lives. As a result, instead of dwelling on the past, my focus is on how helping you meet your present can help you shape your future.

When have you pushed a client out of their comfort zone? How did they respond?

I don't do much "pushing" myself, but clients have often said my questions do. Case Western University psychologist Richard E. Boyatzis’s intentional change theory suggests frames coaching through five interrelated questions:

• What, who, and how do I want to be? 

• How is that different from who I am right now? 

• What do I have to change and learn to become that person? 

• What steps can I take, right now, to begin that growth? 

• How can I build the relationships I need to support me?

These questions are challenging. But because they’re questions, not answers, they give people the space to think and freedom to answer them in their own way. And that’s how coaching helps people grow. I don’t tell people what to do. I give them the freedom to discover what they want and need to do.

Will what I say stay confidential?

Confidentiality is an important part of coaching, but it has limits. You can talk about your frustrations about your boss, coworkers, or spouse, for instance, and what you say will stay between us. Even if our sessions are paid for by a third party who requires updates, I keep my reports short and basic. As far as I’m concerned, the story of our coaching relationship is yours to tell.

However, please note that relationships between coaches and clients are not legally protected like the relationships that lawyers and psychologists have with their clients. As a result, what you say in sessions is legally discoverable, and I’m also bound to report illegal activity or anything that makes me concerned about your or anyone else’s safety.

Want to know more? Contact me here for a free discovery session today.