Who’s Holding Your Hand?

“Want somebody to hold your hand?” we often hear. “Do it yourself!” This sentiment is at the heart of the burnout so many leaders I coach are feeling. But psychologist James Coan says we’re wired for hand-holding. And we need it.

In the Transforming Trauma podcast several months ago, he told the story of a group of eye doctors in Great Britain specializing in Lasik surgery. They were particularly concerned with minimizing movement during the procedure, which can lead to serious complications.

Across the street from the practice was a senior center. A doctor wondered if any of the retirees would be interested in volunteering to hold patients’ hands during their surgery. They contacted senior center and put a small program together.

And it worked. Simply having a kind stranger hold a patient’s hand during eye surgery reduced the number of movement-related complications.

Why? Coan’s research suggests that there are important neurological reasons for what the eye surgeons found.

It turns out that the parts of our brains responsible for self-regulation actually become less active when social support is introduced, especially when that support is coming from someone we trust.

In 2006, Coan studied a group of married women who agreed to experience a mild electric shock in three ways: alone, holding the hand of a stranger, and holding the hand of their spouse.

Brain scans of women in the strongest marriages showed that the parts of the brain responsible for regulating threat response became less active when holding their spouse’s hands. For the women in weak marriages, however, brain scans showed the opposite result.

According to Coan, the brains of the women in the strongest marriages, Coan says, were using their energy differently, shifting resources away from responding to threats toward other purposes and enabling them to be calmer and less tense.

The eye surgery patients were experiencing something similar. The effects of holding a kind stranger’s hand may not have been as strong as if they were with a loved one. But Coan believes they could have reduced patients’ stress just enough to calm the nerves that control muscle tension, reducing their eye movement and the danger of complications.

For Coan, the implications are clear. Humans are wired to process their emotions socially and share their burdens with others. Having someone to hold our hands—sometimes literally—is vital for our emotional and physical health.

Going it alone—or suffering through toxic relationships—does the opposite.

Meeting our burnout means deepening and strengthening relationships. We need people to hold our hands. And we need to reach out and take another’s hand when we need it.

My coaching can help you strengthen your support network. Want to learn more? Book your free Discovery Session here.