Misunderstanding isn’t a wall.

Often, we see misunderstanding as a failure to communicate. But communication ethicist Lisbeth Lipari believes misunderstanding doesn’t always mean something’s gone wrong. It’s actually a sign something could go right.

Lipari says we often assume communication is about sameness. That is, I succeed when I make your thoughts and feelings the same as mine. When that happens, we agree, and when we agree—we assume—the more harmonious we’ll all live and work together.

In this view, misunderstanding is a big problem. In fact, it’s scary. Because if we can’t understand each other, our thoughts and feelings will never be the same. We’ll never agree. And if we can’t agree, peace is impossible.

So we come to believe we can (and therefore should) avoid misunderstanding at all costs. We double down, talk extra slowly, and try to be as clear as possible. And if that doesn’t work, we give up—or just start talking louder to force the other person out of the conversation.

The problem, Lipari says, is that our beliefs about misunderstanding simply aren’t true.

Misunderstanding isn’t only inevitable in communicating. It’s also essential if we’re going to communicate well.

That’s because misunderstanding is simply a sign that the person we’re talking with is different from us. When misunderstanding comes to light, Lipari writes, we have a chance to realize we’re all coming from different places, have different stories, have different goals, and see the world in different ways.

The person in front of us isn’t the same as we are, and they never will be.

Accepting our differences means we can’t think of communication as perpetuating sameness. For Lipari, putting this insight into practice means learning to hold a wide variety of ambiguities and tensions, many of which might be quite painful to the touch. It means risking not knowing the answer and making mistakes.

But embracing difference also opens the possibility we can learn and discover something new about ourselves and other people. It means we have the opportunity to grow. And it means we can learn to see our lives together more fully.

Misunderstanding isn’t a wall. It’s a door. Are you willing to go through it?

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