Supporting kids, supporting ourselves

As I’ve been struggling to process the horrific wildfires in Lahaina, I came across a study by developmental psychologist Emmy Werner on the Hawaiian island of Kauai that started in 1955.

Because of Kauai’s small size, she was able to enroll every child born on the island that year—690 in total—and follow them for four decades.

The kids in Werner’s study were mostly children of migrants who had come to work the sugar plantations on the island. Many experienced challenges growing up in families struggling with systemic racism and poverty.

Today, we would call those events adverse childhood experiences (ACEs): experiencing abuse and neglect, having family members who have problems with mental health or substance use, losing a parent to separation, divorce or death, and so on.

Of those children who experienced adversity, Werner found many had difficulties learning and experienced problems with their mental health later in life.

But about one in three of the children who experienced adversity didn’t. Why? They had at least one adult—a parent, family member, or someone else—who took an interest in them and cared for them.

Werner’s research points to a second set of experiences—what we now call positive childhood experiences (PCEs)—that are vital in helping children manage adversity and trauma.

In 2019, a team of researchers led by Christina Bethell of Johns Hopkins University found support for least seven of these experiences in supporting mental and emotional well-being among young people:

— Feeling they could talk openly with other family members about feelings

— Knowing they could rely on their family to support them in adversity

— Participating in community traditions

— Feeling like they belonged in high school

— Feeling supported by their friends

— Having at least two non-parent adults who expressed genuine interest and care

— Feeling safe and protected by an adult at home

In writing this list, it struck me that as much as we need to provide these things for our children—for all children—adults need to create them for themselves. Especially those of us who read that list with a sense of loss.

How able are you to talk with family—biological and chosen—about what’s important to you? How safe and supported do you feel at home, at work, and in your community? How often to you feel like you belong?

To be sure, positive experiences with others don’t magically erase adversity, and we need to work to minimize the risk of childhood trauma—just as we need to think about reducing the risk of wildfires and gun violence.

But the social and emotional support we give each other every day is vital in cushioning us from the adversity we can’t control or avoid.

How might we learn to support ourselves? And how might we give that support to others who need it?