Embrace your selves
We all have multiple "selves" that emerge in response to what’s going on around us. As a coach, I help clients notice these parts as they appear—especially when they’re getting in the way.
For instance, I have two “mes.” One me lacks confidence, is pessimistic, anxious, and perfectionistic, holds back from trying new things, is wary and shy, gives up easily—and doesn’t ever want me to publish anything on LinkedIn.
I also have a second me that’s open, interested, and engaged with others, confident and hopeful, willing to try and experiment, and diligent in accomplishing big goals.
Psychologists Laurence Heller and Aline LaPierre would describe these two mes as reflecting my child and adult selves.
Our child selves emerge in response to what’s going on around us in our earliest years of life. Growing up a bright, sensitive kid who loved music and books in the deep red heart of Trump country, I experienced relentless physical, verbal, and emotional bullying from both kids and adults. I didn’t have the resources to escape or make it stop. I could only endure it.
Now, look at that first me. Notice how much of it was a logical response to those experiences. Holding myself back, checking my self-confidence, and being shy were all essential adaptations to a world where I didn’t know who was going to hurt me next.
My first me, my child self, kept me safe. Without it, I wouldn’t be here writing this. But it also held me back, shaping the schools I attended (and didn’t), the relationships I made (and didn’t), and the vocational paths I pursued (and didn’t).
That’s because my child self still thinks like a kid. Like Charlie Brown trying to make Thanksgiving dinner with toast, popcorn, and pretzels, it’s feeding me, but with junk food.
Growing up having to make do with less, my child self wants me to accept less than I deserve and become less than what I can be. Promising to keep me safe, it also leaves me feeling depleted, frustrated, and alone. And it will frustrate the people who love me, too.
The second me, my adult self, grew more slowly as I found the resources to make choices and develop my gifts. The self I coach, write, and teach from, it's where I'm most connected to myself and others. It’s also the part of me writing this post.
Obviously, I want the second me to show up more often. Yet, because it emerged much later, it’s not as strong. Through coaching, I’ve learned to allow my adult self more chances to step forward and lead.
These experiences shape how I work with leaders, because we all have child and adult parts of ourselves. We need to notice and honor the parts holding us back while strengthening and using the parts that can move us forward.
Interested in learning more about how I can help you? Book your free Discovery Session here.
