Who are you, really?
Howard Thurman, civil rights activist and contemplative, believed we all have to answer three fundamental questions: Who am I, really? What do I want? How am I going to get it?
The first question—Who am I, really?—challenges us to get to the essence of who we are. Thurman argued that we’ll never answer that question completely, and how we answer it will change throughout our lives. But who we think we are (and who we believe we aren't) will shape who we will become.
If I say, for instance, that I’m a student, or a father, or a son, or a white person, or a survivor of trauma, those answers come with changes I need to make and responsibilities I need to bear if I’m to grow. Some of those changes and responsibilities may make me feel uncertain and uncomfortable.
That uncertainty and discomfort, Thurman said, make many of us shy away from identity work. But if we don’t do that necessary self-reflection, if we don’t inquire into the roles we take throught life, our own individual life stories of adversity and growth, our deepest values and needs, and our culture and history, our answers to the last two questions will be faulty.
If we can’t say who we are, our answers to the second question—What do I want?—will be shaped by what we think others want to hear.
We’ll push down hurts and struggles, hoping they won’t come back to bite us or the people we care about. (Spoiler alert: They will!)
We'll avoid taking responsibility for our needs and lives.
We’ll live in ignorance of how our lives are connected with everything around us.
And if we can’t say what we want, our answers to the third question—How am I going to get it?—will remain unclear, if they come to us at all.
We’ll stay stuck in the same place. We’ll never grow to become any different, any better, than we are now.
Getting where we want to go, finding what Thurman would call the “growing edge” of life, means getting to the heart of who we are.
So, who are you?
Who are you, really?
