Try softer

When the going gets tough for many of my leadership coaching clients, they feel they have to get going. So they push themselves harder. But as therapist Aundi Kolber writes, that’s a recipe for burnout. Why not “try softer”?

Kolber’s phrase, which comes straight at you like a Zen koan and forms the title for her 2020 book, actually didn’t originate with her but from a supervisor during her clinical rotations.

Kolber, frustrated and overwhelmed, said she was trying so hard with her clients it was exhausting her. If trying harder wasn’t working, her supervisor wondered, what would trying softer be like?

That comment was revelatory for her, as it was for me in reading her book. It reminded her, as it did me, of how the strategies we learned as kids to survive our environment no longer match what we need to do as adults.

As kids, many of us were told repeatedly that we needed to toughen up, push ourselves, make things happen, grind it out, because at the end of the day, all we would ever have is us. Writing this now makes me think of the teachers in my high school, who put “no whining” signs in every classroom.

Growing up in this environment encourages us to push through regardless of our discomfort and misgivings. Pain, we tell ourselves, is just weakness leaving the body.

But pushing through also disconnects us from what we truly want. We’re focused only on doing what we’re told needs to be done.

This approach isn’t sustainable for so many reasons. Efforting exhausts us, alienates us from ourselves, and burns out our minds and bodies. It destroys the psychological safety of teams and organizations.

And if we’re trying to serve others, we’ll be too wrapped up in our own private drama to help. In fact, our behaviors and actions might actually be triggering to populations who have experienced trauma.

Trying softer opens a new way of leading ourselves and others.

Trying softer isn’t about not getting your work done or being less productive, though it might feel that way. It’s not a form of weakness, though we might think so if we’ve bought into the tough-it-out approach.

For Kolber, trying softer is simply recognizing that if we’re going to serve others well, we need to take care of ourselves first.

We need to practice self-compassion, recognize our limitations, acknowledge our compassion fatigue, notice our burnout—and take steps to resource ourselves and others when we’re struggling.

In the process, trying softer combats the toxicity of our workplaces and society. It’s a tool set leaders need to have to create environments where they and others can truly thrive. It makes organizations more inclusive. It creates more resilient and empowered communities.

So why not try softer?

Want to learn more? Book your free Discovery Session here.