Are you a “white knuckler”?

Are you a “white-knuckler”? Counselor Aundi Kolber uses the term to describe a common way of dealing with challenges that I see all the time in myself and the leaders I coach. It’s also an easy way to burn yourself out.

Life is full of white knuckle moments. When we’re driving in a blizzard or riding on an airplane in turbulence, our first instinct is to grip the steering wheel or armrest harder. We can grip so hard we cut off the circulation to our fingers, causing them to look lighter.

As a metaphor for leadership, a white knuckle moment is a stressful situation we try to handle the same way. We tighten our grip on ourselves and others and force our way through by, controlling, suppressing, or ignoring our bodies and emotions.

We come by white-knuckling naturally, Kolber writes. In a society based on scarcity, competition, and pressure, it’s hard not to have this tendency. And if we have a history of adversity, white-knuckling can be our go-to strategy for dealing with life.

In these moments, we may be praised for our strength and poise, because we’ve learned to associate leadership with power and force. A real leader, we assume, can’t be vulnerable, can’t experience doubt, can’t wear their heart on their sleeve, can’t say when they’re hurting physically or emotionally.

But no matter how honestly we come by these tendencies, Kolber emphasizes that white-knuckling is an unsustainable strategy for life.

After all, look at what it does. Tightening our muscles cuts off our circulation and exhausts us. In our stress, we develop tunnel vision, cutting ourselves off from our bodies, our emotions, and anyone else who might be able to help us.

Even more important, the control white knuckling promises to provide is an illusion. Gripping the steering wheel or our armrest harder won’t actually get us to our destination more safely. It’s a coping mechanism that makes us feel more in control then we really are.

In moments of adversity, Kolber suggests that instead of gripping harder, leaders need to let go a little and do something we might not be used to doing.

We need to care for ourselves.

We need to ask:

• Where are we feeling vulnerable?

• Where are we experiencing doubt?

• What are we feeling now—physically and emotionally?

• What’s hurting—physically and emotionally?

These questions are countercultural—and profoundly human. They also open the door for greater compassion for ourselves and others that can help us breathe, think, see differently, support each other, and develop better solutions to the problems we’re facing.

For leaders, this shift can improve performance, create psychological safety, and lead to a healthier, more connected organization.

Where do you white knuckle? How might you loosen your grip?

Coaching can help you answer these questions. Book your free Discovery Session here.