Leadership starts with feeling safe

Many of the leaders I coach believe being a good leader starts with what they know, what they can do, or what experiences they have. But healthy leadership starts much deeper. It starts with feeling safe.

This countercultural argument reflects our basic interpersonal neurobiology.

For instance, let’s say I’m trying to get my two small boys out of the door to school in the morning. At best, I’m dealing with a semistructured mess.

To this leadership task, I bring the skills and experiences I’m developing as a parent, such as they are. But none of that knowledge matters if I’m coming to my kids feeling unsafe.

If my worry, fear, anger, envy, frustration, sadness, and despair are overwhelming me, the parts of my body that govern how I perceive, listen, and respond to others—what psychologist Stephen Porges calls my social engagement system—won't be working well.

And if I’m not connected with myself, I’m not going to be able to connect with my kids.

And if I can’t connect with my kids, I’m going to respond to the semistructured mess I see in front of me most mornings in unstructured, dysfunctional ways. Ways that can leave my boys feeling unsafe, too.

The problem here is that I, like many people, have problems feeling safe.

Because of all the pain and loss we can experience, because of the chaos, violence, and uncertainty of our world, because of systemic inequalities and injustice within our society, feeling safe is hard.

So hard, in fact, that many of us may have never felt safe at all.

Our first task as leaders, them, is to recover our safety. Or if we never had it, we need to discover it in ourselves. If we don’t, our lack of safety will ripple out from us into our families, teams, organizations, and communities.

To find our safety, we need to learn what it feels like.

In “Try Softer,” therapist Aundi Kolber says that safety shows up in many ways. “Safety in our bodies feels solid, responsive, and aware,” she writes. “Safety in our relationships feels like connection, vulnerability, and trust. Safety with God feels like connection, belonging, and mystery.”

Try this. Pick one thing on Kolber’s list that feels most available to you. It could be a sense of feeling solid or supported in your body. A feeling of connection. Or trust. Or belonging.

Today, practice noticing that thing more. For instance, if you choose feeling solid or supported, pay attention to moments where you feel the ground under your feet or the gentle press of your chair. Or if you choose trust, notice times—however fleeting—when that feeling emerges.

What are you doing when those things happen? What do you notice in your body? How might you savor those moments?

If you can and it feels right, share those moments with someone or write them down.

And if you don’t have anyone to share them with, why not share them with me? Book your free Discovery Session here.