Discomfort vs. harm
Every day, the leaders I coach have hard conversations—some more so than others. In these moments, therapist Aundi Kolber says distinguishing discomfort from harm is vital for avoiding burnout in themselves and others.
Although the words sound similar, Kolber argues in “Strong Like Water” that discomfort and harm actually reflect two very different experiences. “When we experience discomfort,” she writes, “we experience something that is challenging or hard, but we remain connected to our window of tolerance.”
And because we’re keeping one foot inside our window of tolerance while reaching out with the other, discomfort offers a chance to strengthen our capacity to deal with hard things, just like a runner builds their endurance over time. Discomfort is pain that widens our window.
On the other hand, Kolber sees “harm as requiring us to go into a stress/trauma response (completely leaving our window of tolerance) to navigate it—typically without support for it to be processed through our bodies.”
In harm, we’re pushing too hard, too fast. Just like a runner who overtrains and pulls their hamstring or blows out their knee, we diminish ourselves. Instead of widening our window, we’re narrowing it. This pain makes us more fragile, less confident, less able to do hard things.
This distinction is important because growing always brings a degree of pain. It takes effort to navigate the uncertainty of not knowing and the fear of failing. Owning up to our mistakes and acknowledging difficult truths about the harm we’ve caused can really hurt.
Yet, depending on who we are and what’s going on around us, we’ll carry our growing pains differently. One person’s discomfort can be another person’s harm, because everyone’s window of tolerance is different. And something that built healthy endurance yesterday can throw our backs out today.
As a result, she invites us to realize that tough conversations require us to mind our windows of tolerance—and ask others to do the same.
To do this, try these four steps:
First, prepare. What do you both want to get out of this conversation? What pushes you and the other person out of your windows—and what pulls you back in? How might the context be making the conversation harder or easier?
Then, check in. Are you both in your windows? If not, resource yourself to start strong.
Next, listen. Words, body language, facial expressions, tone, feelings, and bodily sensations all matter. Make sure you’re in your windows.
Finally, if you feel like you’re ready to fall out—or if you see the other person teetering—resource yourself and invite the other person to resource themselves, too.
You’re on this journey together. Hold the space well, and you can both get to where you need to be.
My coaching can deepen your capacity for conversations like these. Want to learn more? Book your free Discovery Session here.
