A different kind of strength
In “Strong Like Water,” therapist Aundi Kolber writes that white-knuckling our way through life’s challenges is profoundly toxic for us and the people we serve. The leaders I coach deserve a different type of strength—what she calls “integrated strength.”
Kolber argues that unlike situational strength, which is intended to help us survive momentary threats in our environment, integrated strength finds power in allowing us to act and react to life from our deepest, truest selves. Integrated strength is integrated in at least three ways.
First, integrated strength is integrated in the sense that it’s coming from a deep sense of connection with ourselves. Where situational strength speaks to our fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses, integrated strength slows us down, orients us to what's going on around us, and helps us remember what’s most important.
Second, integrated strength is integrated in the sense that it draws nourishment from every part of us. Instead of trying to force mind over matter, integrated strength listens to, respects, and embraces our emotions, sensations, and bodily needs.
Third, integrated strength is integrated in the sense that it connects us with others. When we’re in situational strength, we’re all alone in our struggle to survive. Integrated strength is interdependent strength, allowing us to find others to support, guide, and care for us.
We know situational strength when we feel it: the rush of adrenaline, the tightness in our chest and bodies, our elevated pulse and quickened breath.
But what does integrated strength look and feel like? Kolber says we’re using integrated strength when we feel:
Present with ourselves.
Safe, even if the situation is challenging.
Clear about who we are and what we need to do.
Open to taking the next step, even if the way is uncertain.
Confident in our capabilities.
Comfortable in our own skin.
Hopeful in what lies before us.
Enjoyment in the goodness of our bodies.
Connected with others who can support us.
For those of us who’ve become used to living in situational strength, integrated strength may feel unusual, maybe even a little threatening. We also might have become addicted to the adrenaline rush of forcing ourselves to perform.
Yet, integrated strength opens a door to a more sustainable way of leading that creates safety for yourself and for the people around you.
It makes your environment less toxic.
And (spoiler alert!) it also will help you get a lot more done.
But if situational strength is our default way of leading and living, finding the path to integrated strength can be hard. Tomorrow, we’ll talk about Kolber’s third type of strength—transitional strength—that can help you find a more integrated approach to leadership.
Want to find a different sort of strength? Book your free Discovery Session here.
