Changing the confidence game
When people come to coaching to boost their “executive presence,” they often really want help with low self-confidence. For them, it's a character flaw. But it isn’t. And realizing low confidence isn’t our fault opens up new ways to grow.
Psychologist Chris Argyris argued that feeling successful was central to a meaningful life. And that if we’re going to succeed, we need to be reasonably confident our efforts will be successful.
In other words, if I’m going to put in the effort to speak up in a meeting, take on a new project or promotion, ask someone out on a date, or move to a new city, I have to be reasonably confident things are going to work out.
Sounds basic, right? This is where most ways we try to boost our self-confidence start and end. We build our skills, repeat mantras to increase our self-esteem, or find other ways to push out of our “comfort zones.”
But Argyris says we need to take it one step deeper.
Because for me to be confident, I also have to believe the world is just. If I’m going to put myself out there, I need to feel the game isn’t over before I even start playing it.
I have to believe the deck isn’t stacked against me because of my race, gender, class, or sexual orientation—even though it might have been.
I need to feel people, for all their faults, aren’t out to get me—even though my earliest relationships may have taught me otherwise.
I need to feel I won’t be shamed for messing up—even though shame has been a constant companion for as long as I can remember.
I need to know I matter—even though many people have told me I don’t.
In other words, we need to see our low self-confidence as an adaptation to a world that’s unsafe and unfair for too many people. Where there is prejudice, abuse, or ridicule, it makes sense we would want to hold ourselves back.
And it would make sense to continue to hold ourselves back if our bodies have reason to believe that danger is still present, even when our minds tell us it might not be. That’s what low self-confidence is. We’re trying to keep ourselves safe in an unjust world.
People who don't have these experiences—who have often been born into white, cis-male bodies and reared in safe, high-resource spaces—wonder why others don’t speak up as they do. But that’s because they haven’t had to adapt to being devalued.
As a coach, this realization has changed how I work with clients. In some cases, improving low confidence means helping people notice and recognize the adaptation for what it is and safely practice and embody vulnerability.
But we never forget that low-confidence comes from conditions that were very real—and in some cases may still be very real. And when the conditions are a real and present part of your life, we focus on changing them.
Want to take the next step? Book your free Discovery Session here.
