Tell Me the Deeper Story
Often, the leaders I coach have a pretty clear idea of what they want to do. But what’s more important to me is why they want what they want. Because that's what sets the stage for real growth.
For instance, a client may come to coaching because they set a goal for themselves during their MBA program that they would hold a directorship at a large multinational by age 30. They turned 31 last week, and despite doing everything they know how to do, they haven’t reached that goal.
So they want someone to “fix” them.
When this happens, two lines of questioning open up for me. First, I’m really interested in knowing why this particular goal is so important to them. Second, I’m also interested in why not reaching this particular goal is messing them up so much.
Although the rationale for becoming a director at a multinational company might seem completely obvious to them, they could be settling on this goal for any number of reasons.
They may value the salary or the prestige that comes with the position.
They may be excited about the types of projects they would get to work on.
They may feel pressure to keep up with colleagues or peers in their MBA program.
They may want to meet their family’s explicit or implicit expectations.
They may see “winning” as core to their self-concept and believe becoming a director is a sign of being a “winner.”
They may want to reassure themselves that all the money and effort they’ve spent getting here is worth it.
Regardless of how they answer the question, what they say tells me a lot about:
What they’re valuing right now.
Their deepest needs.
The story they’re telling themselves about their lives.
Their understanding of their purpose in life.
What truly motivates them.
Knowing these things helps us both operate on two levels. On the first level, we can obviously work on getting a promotion. In coaching parlance, that’s called the presenting agenda.
On the second, we work to clarify their values and needs, retell their stories in more fruitful ways, and unlock a deeper sense of purpose that provides a more powerful source of motivation. In coaching parlance, that's the underlying agenda.
Exploring both agendas is vital because bringing them into alignment is what enables real change.
When we do this, we might find that the promotion they were fighting so hard to get might not have been what they truly wanted. Or maybe we realize that it is indeed what they truly want but that, for the sake of their own well-being, they need to find other ways of finding it.
That's real growth. That's real change. And that’s what coaching does.
Want to explore this for yourself? Book your free Discovery Session here.
