Reclaim, not Rebalance

The leaders I coach often want to restore “work-life balance”—often assuming we have our work on one side and our relationships on the other. But psychologist James Coan suggests that focusing on “balance” isn’t enough.

I’m imagining a client who’s in the process of a bitter divorce that is, at least on the surface, the result of his workaholism. But the reality is that he’s always struggled to connect with others.

Growing up, his parents spent most of their time focused on their jobs. He was the prototypical latchkey kid. There was plenty of food in the fridge, and the lights were on, but nobody was home. Only when he excelled at something were his parents engaged.

He learned that lesson well.

Now, he’s in his apartment, eating too much from his well-stocked fridge, talking with his ex-wife through his lawyer, and wondering what to do next. The only bright spot is his young son, who for some inexplicable reason seems to like him.

“For now,” he says.

I can tell when it’s his week to be with his boy from the spark in our conversations. He can feel it, too. And so we focus a lot of our time on ways he can begin to lean into that relationship more.

Yet, as we do this, we’re not trying to restore a sense of “balance” to my client’s life. Coan argues we’re doing something much deeper.

The essence of Coan’s social baseline theory is that there is a certain level—a “baseline”—of social support every human being needs and deserves. This support is a birthright gift my client never received. And he’s not alone.

Coan argues that contemporary Western culture, particularly contemporary American culture, forces us so far away from our baseline we’ve forgotten what healthy social connection even looks like. Which is why my client finds his son’s love so surprising.

When my imaginary client works on deepening his relationship with his son, he's not rebalancing his life.

He’s reclaiming it.

He’s reclaiming the birthright gift he should have had all along. And in doing so, he’s going to the roots and restoring a capacity for connection he never had a chance to create. In the process, he can transform his relationship with his work and engage it with a different set of priorities.

Just focusing on work-life “balance” would never get him there. In fact, it simply repeats the cycle of disconnection that’s harming him. That’s harming us all.

Are you ready to reclaim your life? How deep are you willing to go? Book your free Discovery Session here.