Acting Out, Acting In

My coaching clients know what it means to “act out” when stressed or angry. But they’re often less familiar with the term “acting in.” Both concepts can help us notice and change how we respond to stress and frustration.

Acting in is essentially the mirror image of acting out. When, say, my toddler acts out because of something his brother did, he might yell or scream, throw a toy across the room, or dump his lunch on the floor. And then he expects someone else (me) to clean up his mess.

It’s annoying when my son does this, but he’s also only two. He struggles to communicate his frustration and anger, let alone control those emotions. His outbursts are the best and often only way of communicating his distress.

Acting out in this way becomes less appropriate as we grow older. When we see an adult acting like a toddler, it’s frustrating and, sometimes, more than a little disturbing, especially when that grown-up toddler making a mess is your boss, friend, or partner.

Acting in, in contrast, turns our aggression inward. As we grow, many of us learn that yelling and throwing things when we’re frustrated isn’t culturally acceptable, but we still can’t contain our challenging emotions, so we focus those emotions on ourselves.

We call ourselves names, shame ourselves, and guilt ourselves. We treat ourselves with self-contempt. We push ourselves relentlessly, even though we can feel the tightness in our bodies.

We get away with this because acting in is quiet, unnoticeable. The mess we make—and what a mess it is!—is all on the inside.

And there’s no one to clean it up, except for us.

Both acting out and acting in come from the same place. Just like my toddler, we’re having difficulties naming, expressing, and regulating our emotions in constructive ways.

For some of us, these difficulties may get in the way so much we need psychotherapy to develop the skills we need. But everyone does these things to some degree, and whoever we are, habits of acting out and acting in hold us back in life and leadership.

• Imagine being able to notice when life is starting to feel out of control—before you lose control.

• Imagine knowing how to express what you’re feeling and needing in those moments, even if it’s just to yourself.

• Imagine what it would be like to know you can choose different ways of thinking and acting that can help you give yourself what you need.

How might being able to do these things change your life? Want to know more? Book your free Discovery Session here.